The Power of Nurture

This week, all of my posts seem to be inspired by my Toronto transit commute!

A few weeks ago, while riding the subway, I saw someone gently put their hand on the shoulder of a sleeping stranger to let them know their phone had fallen on the floor. This kind stranger picked up the phone and handed it to the sleepy rider before getting off at the next stop.

Later that day, while waiting to cross a busy intersection, I lightly tapped the arm of the woman standing next to me to let her know her backpack was hanging open.

It made me think about the unseen acts of kindness that strangers do for each other each and every day. And all of the unseen things we do at home and at work to help others.

As doulas, there are lots of little things we do when supporting our clients that don’t often get talked about.

We're generally known for helping people during the momentous experience of birth and through the sleepy early postpartum days. 

We provide hands-on labour comfort measures and informational support, and facilitate the flow of communication between our clients and their medical birthing team (and more!).

But what often gets under-recognized is the power of nurture in all of its forms.

I’ve helped labouring clients change their clothes, socks and shoes, wiped tears and body parts. I've pulled back hair, held the throw-up bucket, given back rubs and hugs, held hands and tucked people into bed with a warm blanket. I've been there for the contractions in the car, the hospital hallway, and on the elevator.

These are some of the little and usually unseen but meaningful things. 

 I’ve reminisced with clients years after I attended their birth(s) and it was the small things they remembered: 

Spoon-feeding my client her breakfast while she fed her baby. Or dancing with a labouring client in their living room.

It's made me realize that even though we (doulas) are there for the "big occasions", it can be the little things that have the greatest impact.

Holding space for all of the feelings that come up when someone is doing the hard work of birthing is nurturing.

Birthing activates our primal and instinctive side. It’s driven by our hormones and influenced by our emotions and sense of safety.

Nurture helps create safety.

When someone is birthing, they are having a real-time physical and emotional experience and they bring all of their history and complexity.

Maybe this sounds obvious, but I’ve witnessed conversations where words like “protocol” and “schedule” are being said without actually seeing and responding to the birther’s emotions in that moment. I’ve witnessed their experience be bypassed and not tended to.

This minimizes how life-changing and important having a baby is for each individual.

It can slow down labour and make a confident birther suddenly question their ability to cope.

Tending to another’s emotions isn’t a skill most of us are adept at in our everyday lives, even in our intimate relationships. It’s like learning a new language, it takes time and practice.

As a doula, my role is also to help my clients to navigate the landscape of their feelings so they can verbalize their experience and needs.

Birth is powerful and intense, and sometimes it’s hard to find the words!

If you aren’t sure what or how you feel, it can make it difficult to ask for what you need.

Offering this depth of care through nurture and creating space for feelings can have a profound effect.

And knowing how to nurture and be nurtured is something we could all use a little bit more of, in birth and in our world.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou